When Harper was 2 years old, I had a miscarriage. It happened very close to the end of my first trimester…so close to the exciting time when you can share your news with the world because it’s “safe.” To be accurate, first I found out that my baby’s heart had stopped beating via a sonogram…the miscarriage came later. It was a routine check-up and I had been feeling great. There were no “warning” signs that something was amiss. Seeing that sonogram screen without the familiar pulsing of a beating heart was a devastation that I will never forget. Naturally I knew about miscarriages…I knew a number of women who had suffered miscarriages. But I was in no way prepared for the feeling of loss that came. The depth of the sadness that followed.
I remember, as clearly as if it were yesterday, feeling so drained –physically and emotionally – that all I could muster the strength for was to sit in a lawn-chair in the backyard and watch Harper as she played. Sitting, watching that 2-year old bundle of energy move from one activity to the next with endless delight…the obvious began to dawn on me. I was lucky. I had a beautiful, cheerful, gregarious daughter who needed me to be her mother. Her mother…I was lucky enough to already be a mother.
I got out of the chair, put one foot in front of the other, grabbed the garden hose and sprayed my little girl as she ran through the shower of misty water, giggling and beaming. And as she squealed with laughter, I found myself laughing along with her. I laughed so hard because she was so happy. Her joy at the simple act of being sprayed with water was contagious. And when she yelled out, “Mommy!” and ran over to me, soaking wet, I grabbed her up and hugged her tight. Hearing that word at that moment – “Mommy”- was a reminder. Harper was here, present…all smiles and happiness, blissfully unaware of what I was going through, or the depths of the sadness I was feeling. My daughter…she revived me, single-handedly pulling me out of that very heartbreaking time with the inadvertent reminder that I am already a mother…I am her mother. And I am blessed beyond belief.